Why kettlebell training doesn’t work
Sharon and Nikki were having their weekly catch up late in the morning one autumn day. They lived in the suburbs and frequented an authentic privately owned coffee shop. Their children had both recently left the city for University and they had long since left full-time work behind and sought other avenues and adventures.
“I wish I had your genetics, I don’t understand how you can stay in such good shape and still eat like that”, this was Sharon; she stared longingly at Nikki’s chocolate fudge cake… with cream.
“Well, it’s not as if I over indulge”, said Nikki, noting that Sharon was now on her second piece of granola slice. “I only really indulge like this when we meet up, and maybe two glasses of wine at the weekend. But, I’m fairly active in the garden.”
“Did you say you were going to a kettlebell class twice a week? I’ve been going to one for about 10 months now.”
“Yes, I’ve doing that and a spin class for about 4 months now…”, Nikki delicately ate another mouthful of her weekly treat.
“It’s very hard isn’t it. Just constantly moving with the weight for the 45mins.” Sharon was getting enthusiastic now.
“Well, it’s hard, but our instructor gives us plenty of rests and water breaks. And he moves around the class and makes sure we’re doing everything correctly. If he thinks we’re doing it too easily he’ll even up our weight.” The fudge cake was almost finished.
“Your instructor moves about the class? How do you know what to do? Or do you just do the same exercise for the whole track?” Sharon raised her hand, indicating to the waitress that she would now be embarking on her third slice of the ‘healthy option’.
“No, he either times the exercises, or gives us a certain number to do. Sometimes he gives us a complex… a series of moves to do in a set time.” The last piece of cake was moving towards Nikki’s mouth.
“Oh, I just increased my weight last week, I’m using a four now.”
The cake landed on Nikki’s lap, her mouth open in disbelief…
“Did you say you just moved UP to a 4kg kettlebell?”
“Yes, why? What do you use?”
“We don’t even have any fours. I’ve just moved up to swinging double twelves.”
Now Sharon was the one with her jaw on the floor.
And there we have the answer to the question why Nikki can eat cake and still be in good shape.
Strength forgives the occasional biscuit. Or chocolate cake, beer or night eating ‘cinema junk’, just don’t take the piss. Strength will only forgive so much.
The above story is true, names have been changed to protect the innocent, but this was actually related to me by one of my students.
So, apart from Sharon’s misunderstanding of nutrition and lack of dietary control, why doesn’t her kettlebell class work?
We all read in Muscle & Fitness, Women’s Health, Men’s Fitness and OK magazine about how bitch ass kettlebells were for celebrity X and how combined with a diet plan they were transformed into Jason Statham (which might be disturbing if they started off as Kelly Brook).
What we have here is people confusing the tool for the methodology. They see someone do something successful, for example lose lots of weight using a kettlebell, and think ‘I’ll start using kettlebells’. With a lack of understanding of the principles, techniques and methodology they aren’t going to achieve anything.
They take a much lighter load than they should and then apply the nonsense ‘cardio training’ ideas that have failed them in the past. A rough rule of thumb would be that women start swinging an 8kg ‘bell, men a 16kg. We can work on cleans and even presses and snatches, but not before we learn the Turkish Get Up which is foundational to the locked out overhead position.
Merely standing next to a kettlebell or doing bicep curls with it will not get you the same results as someone doing ballistic exercises such as swings and snatches using a weight that can be described as a ‘reasonable fraction’ of their bodyweight. To be successful you have to do it properly.
“But won’t using heavier weights bulk me up?”
This is Jessica Ennis.
Jessica can barbell snatch more than most people, men included, and yet she still manages to look very feminine.
This is Jennifer Walters. Jennifer is the cousin of Bruce Banner. One car crash and ill-thought out blood transfusion later…
Jen is the She-Hulk.
Jessica Ennis, a world class athlete who amongst other things lifts weights, maintains a feminine physique.
Jennifer Walters required Hulk blood to become that big. Hulk blood is probably the equivalent of horse steroids, no scratch that, it’s probably the equivalent of Mastodon steroids!
Women! Hear me now! You will not get ‘bulky’ or turn into a monster by using heavier weights. I use Jess Ennis as an example because she is regularly blood tested and is a ‘clean lifter’. Jen Walters on the other hand was dosed with Mastodon steroids to get that big.
This doesn’t happen by accident.
Also women, hear me! You literally don’t have the balls to get as big as a man! Men have a certain pair of ‘glands’ that help them produce a hell of a lot more testosterone than women and are therefore more receptive to mass development due to weightlifting.
Going back to our cafe. Nikki is (at a guess) in her mid-to-late 40’s, had not lifted prior to the 4 months at my class and we have her pressing double 10kg bells and swinging and squatting with double 12kg bells. I’d be massively surprised if her bodyweight was over 60kg. Whilst her time ‘working’ is less than Sharon’s, her strength is greater and therefore so is her work capacity (which is an overused term in health and fitness right now and as a chartered Engineer I take issue with it, but I digress…). Because she works out with heavier weights Nikki has more muscle mass, which requires more fuel, which burns more bodyfat, which allows her to occasional indulge in chocolate fudge cake and still look sleek.
So our closing two points here are:
- If you’re going to attempt to mimic success, do it properly. Real weights, real intensity and ditch the misinformed 80’s aerobic mindset.
- To become the She-Hulk you need to take steroids, PLUS you need to workout and eat like a beast. It doesn’t happen by accident.
It’s not the case that kettlebell training doesn’t work, correctly executed kettlebell training can reap fantastic rewards. The same is true of the barbell, the power club or bodyweight training. It just happens to be the case that there are snake oil merchants out there looking to separate you from your money in the easiest way possible, and if that means trying to convince you that you are doing something you are not, well…
So, put the pink 4kg kettlebell down, lift some real weight and earn your cake!
Be fit, be strong, be happy!